Almost a litre of tears

I had a bad dream last night. The band was performing at the esplanade library, where I played piano accompaniment to the sax duet last time. We spent a long time tuning and I was getting worried. Then we started performing one of the pieces we've been practicing and suddenly my only section mate was on the soprano saxophone, leaving me to solo the melody. I couldn't react in time and missed the whole part and it sounded terrible. 

We played like.. 2 songs and the management started chasing us off the stage cos we took too long. I was already close to tears on stage from the anxiety because we practiced so many other songs and only got to perform 2. Then somehow I realised in my dream that this wasn't the real concert and felt a little better. Still, while I was walking to the MRT to go home in the dream, I couldn't stop crying :(((

I've been sleeping rather late and getting low quality, dreamless sleeps for quite a few nights already. Was kinda hoping for a dream haha it came true but alas it was a nightmare..

As if the dream was a premonition, I cried during band practice today.. As you know, I really admire, respect and love my 70+ year old conductor since I joined the band in JC and I continued joining the band in uni partly because of him also being the conductor there. 

He has been feeling unwell since the semester started and today he took some time to explain to the band the reason for his late coming and early leaving, and why he was absent on some days. I got all teary eyed and could totally feel a blocked nose coming. I wouldn't have cried if he didn't elaborate but he did and as I listened to him talk about how he was unsure of whether he could still take us for the coming concert next week and how he went back to teach yesterday to test if he was fit enough for all these despite his doctor scolding him and all, I started crying. He actually had a minor surgery two days ago and he said right to the point before he became unconscious during surgery he was still thinking about the music for the concert. 

I was shaking in my seat trying very very hard not to sob out loud. It was quite bad cos my section mates probably didn't know what to do lol and i'm very sure the conductor could see me. I mean he's standing in front all healthy and fine but there I was crying like something extremely bad happened -__- didn't dare to look at my conductor properly after that haish.. Don't even want to think about how ugly I looked X___X and darn typing all these made me cry again..

It's a tradition that the SLs need to prepare a card for the conductor every concert. Anyways here's the card I painstakingly made for my conductor, made another one for the assistant conductor but it's not as nice and I forgot to take a photo haha.

So pretty right, I like it a lot too. It's really not bad a finished product given how i'm mad lousy at art and drawing. The colours made it look good and I have decent cutting skills :)